ferrariyq

anyway, last weekend was probably one of the bestest weekends i've spent in ages. although it was short, it was still v beautiful. spent the evening at settlers with kenneth gabriel tingwei zheng chen and yeow boon, just havin pure brainless (and brained) fun. its a sort of elation that i havent felt in ages. and i just wish i could have more of it. its sth i dont really get in camp. i just dunno why. then we went to lan. oh my goodness a bunch of noobs playing L4D 2 is simply hilarious. the way we screamed and shouted and attempted all sorts of tactics and teamwork to salvage the situation was so funny! ohwell!

bought a suit for comms ball that i absolutely adore. its quite cheap too (relatively). 313's quite a nice place to shop at! need to go back to get my altered pants so i'll be there again. whee!

ohwell. time to sleep. dont wanna screw up the parade rehearsal tml morn.

someone teach me how to chill...?

Growing up isnt an easy process. each year seems to just become tougher than the previous. decisions become harder to make because the implications are just so great. responsibilities become headaches because they concern lives of others. the worst deal: not making a decision is a decision in itself. fatigue seems to be such an inevitable daily part of life.

i'll become an officer in 3 days' time. i've alr received my rank to put on next monday. i've alr received my sword. this is the road of no turning back. yet i lack the confidence to say that i am prepared to be an officer. and knowing me, i confide in my frens.

sometimes, i wonder if i really should confide in even close frens. i dunno, would that make me seem like a total wuss? real men, real leaders, real officers always exhude this aura of confidence. i wonder if its just an image portrayed to their acquaintances and their men and that they are still afraid and do confide in their close ones, or are they just naturally that confident? i seem to lack this confidence. in fact, i think i lack self-confidence. there've been really few times when i've actl told myself that i can do it and succeed. everytime i receive a new task i panic and stress up.

i always try to think about what i should do next, but yet always neglect things that i naturally have to do. in other words, i worry a lot but i dun do my job sometimes. and its irritating. i think the answer lies in serving with all my heart and soul... but does that mean that i'm not ready to serve?

hahaha i've had 2 consecutive nights outs. but i have gone out for neither. partially cos i think i've nth to do outside and partially cos (for today) i've had to practice my sword drill for being reserved contingent commander. its a bloody tough job. and i dunno if i still have the respect of my coursemates.

maybe its partially cos i'm starting to man-mode here. like just totally wanting to take a backseat and let others run the show. no it cannot be so... i'm gonna be a PC soon! and i havent even started on the job! dammit. is it burn out or is it just an excuse?

need to plan for my platoon. need to pack fieldpack and get ready to be PC. need to get into the job soon. garghhhhh havent done nuts. i so wish they gave us a few days' break b4 we actually start on our new term as PCs. but wat to do? there's not enuff time alr so i guess they cant afford having to give us a break, instead expecting us to be a leader and still lead despite our fatigue? geez!

sometimes i wonder how come i'm not a 3rd sergeant. why am i an officer, and for that matter, sword of merit. i do feel at times unable to match up to the expectations of an officer, let alone representing the top 10% of the cohort and the epitome of combat engineers. to be an officer really requires me to be able to lead a platoon of (in my case) 19 specs and men. and in my case i'll probably be leading 2nd year men who're gonna fight their evaluation exercise in june/ november? its really a daunting thought. i have always been one who can influence better at a micro level. i'm still trying to find my way around as a future platoon commander. its not easy. i've been trying. but its been quite futile the way i see it...

it has been my dream to be able to fulfil my dad's dream; to be able to stand tall and proud at the parade square and bring home the sword, honour and glory to my family. everytime i stand on the parade square for a parade rehearsal, my whole body tingles with excitement thinking of the day my family and friends will be sitting up there at the grandstand proudly looking at their son/friend being conferred a rank so prestigious it merits the gracing of the head of state, the defense minister and multiple generals and colonels. it hasn't been an easy journey. in fact, i've never worked so damn hard in my life to achieve sth; neither in CCA nor in school, nor even my career ahead. the day has finally come for me to reap the fruits of my labour.

Many people say that being an officer makes one the king of the world. all the power and prestige is vested in me and i'll be able to do anything i want. i say that these people don't know nuts about what being a leader is about. Commissioning at the end of 9mths now isnt making me excited. on the contrary, its really making me jittery. in fact, i'm having sleepless nights. one thing that few people have impressed upon me up till now is the sheer burden of responsibility an officer has to bear. for me, being brought up in an environment where i can copy and paste a success formula and use it to lead me to success after success, i am really having (and going to have) difficulty operating, let alone leading, in such a robust, unpredictable and unfamiliar environment. the men i'm gonna take may jolly well be from a side of society i've never seen before (although from the BB, i've alr interacted with many people from diff walks of life). they'll definitely be in one way or another looking up to me as THE person to be their pillar of strength and guiding light for the rest of their NSF stint. the question is, "can i deliver?"

from what i feel about the past 3months of cadet appointments (i know few who have had cadet appointment stints that long-lasting), my leadership style hasn't really changed much from last time. i'm still a very task-orientated person. sometimes i cant help it but just think about the results, results, results; the end state of what needs to be achieved. and as zach told me long time ago (i still remember very vividly), i'm just like a bulldozer. i see the end-state, i bulldoze my way thru. and that CANNOT be the way of a platoon commander. i will just lose the respect and the love of my men. i wont be able to connect with them. i need to know HOW to connect with them, HOW to deal with the balance between being task and people-orientated. the way i see it so far, i'll prob end up being one who just gives instructions, and not lead.

the only things i can think of doing now are really just to really set my goals for my platoon, steps to achieve them and really explore the platoon dynamics when i enter the unit. i need to think about what kind of first impression i wanna give em, wat sorta PC i wanna be based on how i would like my platoon to turn out to be. i guess i really want a bonded and disciplined platoon, motivated to perform their tasks to the very best not just because they're told to. i wanna be able to look back when I ORD and tell myself that i have touched their lives and had a positive influence within this 1yr i've had with them, thereby making a difference in their lives. how how how...

i finally understand now how with great power comes great responsibility. balls to those who treat leadership lightly, for they dunno how much influence they have on the lives of many others, for years to come.

single but happily unavailable? its just a farce man. hahahaa but i really do think that at e end of e day, friends are the impt ones. no matter how few we have, as long as we have the true frens who walk with us along life's arduous journey, that's e sweetest thing one can ever get, other than family love. friendship is a beautiful thing. of cos having the special one is too!

i've got a resolution for next year: complete the standard chartered 42.195km marathon. its a must.

Haha i just randomly wanna type this entry cos... i guess this year's really the year that i experienced a lot of family love. family love in e sense that i really can feel how much my parents and grandma actually love me, and how much i can really love my brother and sister. and when everyone in my family loves each other, we are actl a v v v happy family!

back in secondary sch and jc, i guess i wasnt v close to my family at all. always hanging out with frens, not caring much about my family. i wasnt close to my siblings at all (like at times i really just found them annoying. and i knew nothing about their lives) and i often just talked back and argued with my parents a lot.

i guess this is one thing i really would like to thank the army for. it made me realise how much my parents and grandma actl care for me and how much i can just rely on them to be there for me ALL THE TIME...

hahaa it all started with BMT i guess. the 3 weeks confinement. army is a time when all the things you took for granted, all that were like erm part my daily life all became privileges that could only be given to me and could be taken away at will. canteen breaks became a reward (c'mon in sch i could go to 7 11 or buy bubble tea at will. whoever thought of it becoming a privilege?!) i had to wash clothes myself, sth i nvr did b4. (and i got underwear that soon became rock-hard due to e lack of softeners -.-) in short, i was forced to become independent and behave like an adult. school is so easy in e sense that all i gotta do is make sure i study hard and get the results. the rest of the so-called "combat service support" are all taken care of. but not in e army. imagine the joy i felt when i first booked out.

then came my first ever field camp. sitting under a tree at night (later in e army, sitting wherever the ground was not muddy) and eating combat rations (it feels like i'm squeezing toothepaste out) made me feel so pathetically empty i really started thinking about how much my parents and grandma have been providing for me, and how guilty i am of taking everything for granted and being so unappreciative. not only did i nvr thank em, i actl talked to em in ways i shouldnt have and was so very rude. every week when i booked out, my dad and grandma will take turns to painstakingly brew birds nest for me. imagine that. imagine that. i hugged my dad for e first time in more than a decade after i booked out from the fortnight of wat i thought to be hell. (i've been thru much much worse in OCS)

i worked hard to get into OCS. it was my father's dream. he out-of-coursed like 6 weeks b4 commissioning cos he fractured his arm from boxing. he alr received his sword for rehearsals, save that his name hadn't been engraved. 30yrs later, i know he badly wanted his son to do the honours. i have never let him down. not this time either, i thought. so i whacked hard. and yes of cos i got into it.

OCS has been the toughest moment in my life. i've never worked so hard b4 to get sth. (the story shall be written seperately altogether) but my dad has been really encouraging all the while. when i'm at my lowest points in OCS (its really low, trust me), the sweetest and best thing to do is really just to talk to him, and hear how he so assuringly tells me about all his experiences, advices me on how to deal with certain things and how to just ignore some stuff, all his jokes and his seemingly "bo chapness". in e sense he nvr pressured me. he just wanted me to know that i should do my best, and if there's a time to stop, stop. know my limits and my capabilities and the heart and mind to know that i am of a certain capacity now and if i dont deserve certain things, be humble (my name qian) and accept things. just strive to improve. of course in delta i always somehow knew that i nvr really gave my 100% cos there was the temptation to OOC. the road seemed long. but day by day, week by week, i continued on. i knew why i wanted a certain something, and if i knew it was somehow within my means to complete the whole OCS, i would do it. for my dad. i wanted to do him proud. ok this is besides the pt. anyway, every week when i come back, he would really literally treat me like a king. he nvr failed (or almost nvr failed) to fetch me every week, help me buy stuff and do things (like going to e army market JUSt to buy black tape!) to ensure that i have as smooth a time in army as he could help ensure. this really melted my heart. this told me that he really really loves me. and it was only this year that when i used to be blinded to all these, i could now see. we may have disgreements, differences in character, but one thing was for sure: he loves me. in thailand, oh my goodness, everytime i talked to him i would tear (or nearly tear). he really gave me the strength to pick myself up and carry on. if i were to find the sorta leader i wanna be, it would be him. reassuring, a pillar to rely on, someone who can give guidance, someone who cares and loves and goes the extra mile. my dad is da man.

my grandma hs brought me up since young. since baby in fact. my house was in bishan. but i stayed with grandma on weekdays in ghim moh. she used to bring me out to wet markets to shop, played 98.5 on e radio when she was doing household chores, sit with me on the bridge linking ghim moh and holland v eating superrings and waiting for e steam train to pass by... she played a great role in forming who i am now. liking to listen to oldies, being the heartlander person etc. haha. her love for me nvr waned. never ever. she would wait for me till like 1-2am just for me to get home so she can wash my clothes immediately. she nvr once complained when i had no choice but to bring back dirty and smelly clothes from training (trust me it can get really nasty) and she nvr failed to always get my clothes out on time. oh and LBV and helmet and wat not. it pains me and makes me feel really remorseful for like snapping at her sometimes when she nags at me out of concern. i have to keep telling myself wat the heck i was doing. and i really wanna make it up to her. hahaa i've been making time out to go out with her again. we had so much fun shopping at chinatown/ people's park e other time. she was actl able to remember and pt out to me places we used to visit that i as a v v sentimental and nostalgic person couldnt remember! imagine that. imagine that. <3 u grandma!

my mother. i must admit that i am closer to my dad now cos he has so much in common with me thanks to army. same vocation same training with e only difference that he din commission. but my mother nevertheless loves me. she does wtv she can to help me out too...

TBC. (sry really tired! slept only 4 hrs the past 2 days. oopz!)

its here. with a "bonus" of the fact that i'm cadet wing commander. my heart's at my throat now. i havent studied for my exercises. please dont choose me again. i've alr had 2 mths of appts. platoon commander 3 weeks then exercise platoon sergeant for white horse last week. and when i thought i could finally have a bit of chance to chill.. cadet wing commander. i could nvr sail through life eh. always put to the test, always had to earn things the hard way. nvr had it easy. i'm not even up in thailand yet but i'm alr feeling really tired. i really need God's assurance, God's comfort, God's hand upon me. no matter wat happens, i'll try my best. i'll do my best. nothing but the best.

6 more weeks to commissioning.

je voudrais écrire en français. je ne l'ai pas fait depuis longtemps... la france me manque. beaucoup. elle signifie un des plus belles 2 semaines que j'ai  jamais passé. elle signifie mes 3 meilleurs amis. elle signifie l'amour. elle signifie la cuisine. elle signifie tout. elle signifie la vie dont j'ai envie. peut-être que je suis complètement épuisé, peut-être que je suis perdu, peut-être que j'ai besoin d'échapper à tout ca. je sais pas. c'est l'armé. j'ai perdu tout contact avec le monde. bcp de mes amis. je sais plus ce qui se passe dans leurs vies. je comprends rien non plus de ce qui se passe dans le monde. oui d'être officier c'est assez prestigieux. mais c'est une farce. ne sois pas trompé du prestige. jamais. c'est nul. j'ai découvert que je n'ai pas un but pour ma vie. j'ai pas vraiment une passion. je fais tout qui sont prestigieux; je veux etre le meilleur. mais pour quoi faire? je l'aime faire? non. mais cela me fournit qch a faire. qch dont je peux m'occuper. mais ca c'est tout. rien de plus. pour conclure, le seul but de ma vie c'est d'atteindre de plus en plus de gloire? c'est fou ca!

sigh tu me manques. beaucoup. je regrette de ne pas avoir t'apprecie suffisament quand t'etais a singapour. oui nous avions nos propres vies, nos propres amis. mais t'etais toujours la. nous avons passe bcp de temps ensemble en faisant des batises, le n'importe quoi. sigh mais je t'ai considere comme allant de moi. maintenant  t'es deja partie. et je ne suis pas en mesure de te rencontrer. hahaa je doute que je te manques tellement. t'as bcp d'amis et t'aime la vie libre. t'es independente... le tour eiffel, le pont traversant la seine, les cafes, les crepes... j'ai bcp envie d'y voler a ce moment pour t'accompagner. mais non, il faut attendre. c'est le destin, ne c'est pas? ma vie c'est une blague. une blague pleine de malheur.

i wonder why everyone around me's so stressed and tired and sad... like... i dunno... maybe army's taught me stuff. like dont think too much and just move ahead. need to stay optimistic. if not, the pressures of life will just kill... everyday's a challenge i guess... bleagh. tired. hahhaa but happy!

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i guess everyone needs to feel wanted in life, to feel loved in life. to know that whenever he or she's feeling slightly down, slightly moody, there'll be that someone or those few ppl who can brighten up the day just thru an sms, or by being there. shauna's right. we hang out with so many ppl, have so many frens. but when we need that somebody to really be that listening ear everytime we need to whine, to lament, we look around, and we find noone. its sad. its a lonely path to take.

did i mention i dont really like having dreams? bad dreams make me feel irked when i wake up. good dreams are worse. they disappoint me badly. those beautiful dreams of mine i momentarily think are true just go "poof" when i wake up. disappears. turns into dust. that's the real pain. tt's why i've stopped greeting ppl "sweet dreams". makes no sense...

off i am to that dreaded place again. 11 weeks left. but 1yr 2mths more.

oh somebody save me.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i guess everyone needs to feel wanted in life, to feel loved in life. to know that whenever he or she's feeling slightly down, slightly moody, there'll be that someone or those few ppl who can brighten up the day just thru an sms, or by being there. shauna's right. we hang out with so many ppl, have so many frens. but when we need that somebody to really be that listening ear everytime we need to whine, to lament, we look around, and we find noone. its sad. its a lonely path to take.

did i mention i dont really like having dreams? bad dreams make me feel irked when i wake up. good dreams are worse. they disappoint me badly. those beautiful dreams of mine i momentarily think are true just go "poof" when i wake up. disappears. turns into dust. that's the real pain. tt's why i've stopped greeting ppl "sweet dreams". makes no sense...

off i am to that dreaded place again. 11 weeks left. but 1yr 2mths more.

oh somebody save me.

yet another morning when i wake up asking myself "what the heck am i doing in ocs torturing myself for when i could have been leading an easier life somewhere else in the army..." i havent had proper sleep in 5weeks. and the worst is yet to come since this week is SOC test week, operationally ready week, exercise week.

as my dad massaged my ("weather/obstacle beaten") legs, the pain originating from my heels shot through the legs. i couldnt help but scream in pain. it was unbearable...

makes it sound a bit like combat E. honestly i find it much tougher here than in delta. its a totally different world with a culture that i dont really understand (not my fellow course mates, but the culture of combat E). or maybe delta really is too professional. (not puttin down combat E). there's so much mind-f___ing (i just cant find a more apt expression other than wat, stress inducing brain-juice-squeezing) around here without reason. as in yes we can infer the "higher intent" of all the things around here but isnt there another nicer and better way of doing things? i'm used to not having much admin time. dont need that much anyway i guess. no 7hrs of sleep oso can understand cos engineers are supposed to work through the night. and yes having a stores-turn out (thousands of boxes of mines and pickets and other heavy items. no wonder the engineer officers passing out all look so buff) for 7hrs (in and out twice) cos we need to know everything in our stores and be accountable for them. and appt holders in pumping position for at 30minutes at one go cos they didnt perform their job properly too. all about being operational. and the weekends. totally gone. what weekend? so much of our book out is spent preparing for the following week's events. the pile of tests to study, the pile of things to buy and prepare, the guard duties etc. "i dedicate my life to Singapore".

all justified rite? yes. could there be a better way to do it? perhaps. whatever the case, many of us are just so pissed off, short fused, tired, stressed, sian. what's worse, some of the ppl i know think of combat E as a slack, no pride job that gives us nothing but just another blue beret signifying Support Arms.

army really has this ability to shag me out so much that i totally lose control of myself. lose control in e sense that whenever i can i really prefer not to think and let things flow by itself. when things dont go well i whine i get frustrated, when things go well i'm thankful. but in a sense i really am beginning to not take onus of my own life even. just letting it flow. let myself do whatever my heart leads me to. which may not be good cos it seems to be a "backsliding" thing. and this comes a time when the army is really instilling the "image" thing. officers must be perfect in bearing discpline etc etc. ohwell...

miss playing the bagpipe all of a sudden. was watching last year's RI BB open medley ( http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=1185292599282&ref=nf ). simply orgasmic. ya i havent touched the pipe since the pipe competition in 07, but i really miss the good ld times. ben khoo does too hahaa. i guess yes if i really touch my heart, the reason why i decided to stay back in RI BB in JC and choose it as my only cca (which a lot thought was a stupid choice) was really to be with the group of brudders i have in BB. the bond there is absolutely one-of-a-kind. its irreplacable. and i miss it. just like how i miss the times back in RJC. chingay... bittersweet experience luh hur. hahaha...

i guess its quite obvious i'm not very happy now. tho yes i'm trying my best to relish every single experience that i can have and obtain here. its true that i learn a lot in combat E. construction work, planning and management etc etc. but everything outta this place seems to be much greener, much happier. school was a bliss. so carefree.


i realise i'm blogging so much more now cos there're really a lot of thoughts, reflections and all going thru my head through this phase of life which i dont wanna forget. thoughts regarding army are in my journal (that needs to be submitted weekly to my instructors), personal thoughts penned down here.

better get back to work. lots of things to settle!  (sighz)

there they were again, at the back of the bus, with her head resting on his shoulder. she was blissfully asleep. he felt the warmth and the comfort. slowly, he whispered in her ear "i love you".... she woke up, looked at him dreamily and smittenly, and replied "i love you too'. his heart melted. his whole body turned warm. he was on cloud 9.

and then he woke up. he was in his room. for a moment he thought it was true, but the dream slowly faded away, and so did the feelings... how fate had played him out to leave nothing, but memories...

"spend all your life waiting for that 2nd chance, for a break that would make it occur..."

hahaha as usual there'rve been so many things i wanted to blog about, but whenever i come to the blog... i just get stuck. like sian tired dont wanna blog about thing. ohwell not all stuff's worth mentioning anyway...

block leave was super shiok. but it has done bad to me. tho i know i'm alr used to army life, I JUST DONT WANNA BOOK IN AGAIN... its how sian please. like lin chen and i used to sing "dedi dedi gotta lack of dedication. moti moti gotta lack of motivation"... last week when i visited RJC, it felt like home again. like HOMEEEEE... just now when filling in my uni app forms, esp cambridge one, i had to write "physics, studied newtonian physics etc..." then wah lauu memories of see guan pin and "are you happy students?", lim boon siong and his positive energy negative energy until he knelt down and went "wah damn chuan" came flooding my mind. memories of how school used to be sian but fun (complaining with classmates) and how we went to canteen to chill or j8 or just go home after french (SJ Heidi Shauna etc)... freak. beautiful. oh btw there was class bbq today. din go. luckily i din cos suddenly i have to book in tonight instead of tml morn. kena sai. supposed to be tml morn 7am. suddenly today. at first say 8.30 with the rest. luckily now 10pm. but one less night at home... =( i still cant emphasize enuff how much i miss rjc. the teachers, my frens, the fun we had, the freedom (ah yes the freedom)... here its biah biah biah all the way, regimentation, etc... ppl say "wah getting old alr. i wish i can stay at 19 forever". i say "wah getting old alr. i wish i can stay at 18 forever (jc times. not army times)"...

but i must say this block leave was meaningful enough in terms of spending time with frens. met up with ppl i havent met up in a long time like keanie hil rachel (over guitar heroes on my bdae), zijian (over dinner and supper and a lot of talk cock and yes erm.. crude stuff), sian ying (over lunch at coffee bean, which gave me extra $10 voucher that i havent spent), as well as jean!

oh i had one of the best nights in my life at jean's house! (ok it sounded wrong. let me explain). pris and i were at her house to do some baking. then jean and pris wanted me to look at some youtube video. but we ended up being tired and a bit sian so we ended up at the rooftop garden just outside jean's bedroom. and we talked and talked and it was so wonderful cos her rooftop garden's so beautiful! its like those dream house kind please... at night even nicer, with the lights and the calmness and all... so we bought zichar (at first we wanted to go marine parade for dinner) and bubble tea and just nua at her rooftop garden and chatted... awwww... i'm gonna buy a house like this one day man! its a MUST. i can even give up buying a more ex car for a cheaper one for this! (that's e first time my frens'd hear me saying sth like this!)

oh and i spent countless hours with sj and heidi haha! ppl say i lightbulb... erm.. ok la hor? =D fun luh, just talking n'importe quoi over long walks from esplanade to heidi's hse or over dinner at newton etc... good food with good frens!

haiz... civilian life... admire those ppl who disrupt man... gotta slog it out for another 4.5mths to commissioning. well i've come so far, ain't gonna give up now. just dragging my boots along (literally). must be the new environment again luh... ahhaha i miss delta too! sgt major and lt martin and lt sharril esp! life was fun toward the end, tho life was damn tough...

ok dinner and book in le! CONTINUE COUNTDOWN. 17weeks down 21 to go!

the friggin' worst thing u can do to an army guy is to make him rot at home during his block leave. esp after he's been rotting for 2 days alr. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

bleagh everytime i actl get down to wanting to post my entries i run out of stuff to say. there're so many tots that i wanna pen down... army's done a lot to my state of mind. i think it has really lured out the devil in me. i think i'm really the kind who doesnt like to make decisions. i somehow always hope that things will sort themselves out without me doing anything and turn into the pareto optimal outcome for me. but as capt xie has said b4 "not making any decision is a decision in itself". so many weekends and meetings have been screwed up because i've been too lazy/ tired to think properly before asking ppl out. either i dun ask and hope somehow they'll be free, or i ask and then i realise i may wanna sleep because i really am too shagged out and i just hope somehow i'll be able to make it in time. no deal man. in the army, and in life, for things to work, u gotta work the hard way.

somehow i wish there'll be more time for me to do wat i want, and to meet the ppl i want. officership is not easy. its just been 14 weeks and there's another 24 to go. ppl tell me "wah time passes v fast wat!" im like yea wait till u get into e army when every hour even can be a chore. (surprisingly for me scorpion king went by fast. i actl kinda enjoyed it) of cos the weekends fly by. book out, b4 i know it its e nxt day. have some fun with 1 or 2 frens and b4 i know it dammit sunday night alr. and in comes another week of crap. of needing to put in my best. the short weekends have left me to really "autopilot" them. meet up with whoever i can meet and chill out (usually end up just eating, walking around, chatting). i also end up just doing wateva i feel like doing, letting my gut feeling take the lead. feel like eating this and i'll go, no matter how ex. no plan no nothing. just whack. thus the past 6 mths have left me feeling quite empty. like aimless and pointless. havent been doing something meaningful, like continuing playing e piano (no time luh) or tennis or sth. ppl ask me wat's my life about, and i can only bluntly reply "army". nothing else. ok a few movies here and there, how good the food at kushinbo is, how much i enjoyed underwater world. but that's about it. sheesh. also ending up just meeting a few frens so i seem to have lost a lot of frens. seem to be sinking further further into reclusion, with e ppl who understand me better only able to lend a listening ear without really understanding wat i'm going thru (close girl frens wat to do). thus sometimes i really feel so alone and so... yea. bleagh.

and when i really am starting to enjoy delta and love it for the ppl and the instructors, i gotta leave. not to signals, but to combat E. i'm really dragging my boots to go to brunei. ok i really dont mind navi, but in FBO. all the force prep again, the inspections, the declarations, the sleeping in mud and darkness, getting wet and smelly and dirty and smelling of ammonia. lta martin and lta sharril both commented that i was a good soldier. i dunno how man. ok its a complement, but... hell i hate the jungle. its just not something i'll do man. now i gotta move to and get used to yet another new stinking environment. hopefully its good. the sword isnt easy to attain man. it hell isnt. nothing in my life ever came close to being so difficult to attain. 7As, Pres Award, NYAA Gold, even trying (in vain) to get the girl i loved to love me wasnt that difficult man. i better darned get the sword. still failing SOC and IPPT silver. kena sai. i dun wanna fail my dad at the last moment.

i need to overcome my mental barrier man. somehow in the army (more like in OCS) my brain has started to have the "ayah just give up or just strive to complete it" mentality. this is bad. my whole life i've been striving to give my best and nth but my best in wtv i do. my frens all know that. i work hard i play hard. but coming here, there've been so many a times i've been close to falling out, or i just cant seem to push my best. when ppl's IPPT timings improved, mine deproved. when i used to overtake ppl and run ahead of ppl, they now run ahead of me. ohwell... 

P.S: ppl please dont think i'm some emo depressed guy. i nvr blog when i'm happy. somehow. i only blog when i'm pensive or sian or frustrated. so wat u read is just this one part of me hahaa.

i couldnt even laugh at the funny parts of night at the museum 2 when the rest of the cinema was roaring in laughter...

losing my way... keep losing my way... can you help me find my way?

there's actl so much so much i wanna post about army; my thoughts my emotions. i know that reading them will open the floodgates of memories that are so real i will literally be able to feel them. but... just no drive? no inspiration? and anyway the memories are sometimes so bad i just dont wanna remember them. just like how my mum keeps telling me to take fotos along my way to OCS and i'll be able to tell stories next time. i'm like "nah..." (my dad'll just chip in and say "even smelling lalang now haunts me la!")

3 extras. all cos of a stupid mistake in 1sec. and thanks to chao geng ppl i gotta serve them when i didnt have to. (if this were in e army the end of the previous sentence would have been punctuated with a vulgarity.) life sux sometimes. i was so furious last night i... well i din wanna do anything but OOC came into my mind. again.

i've kinda like lacked motivation in ocs. throughout. yea man it was easier to get here than to stay in. its been 12 weeks alr. 2.5 more weeks to end of service term le. and maybe i'll get posted out to signals? but why does even that seem so long? the start of pro term wont even mark the halfway mark. 6months 1 week more to commissioning. its kinda crazy man. i find it so tough to motivate myself to carry on. yes i'm still surviving (not thriving) but wat the heck seriously. the only only motivation i have now is that i wanna deliver the sword to my dad. i know he would dearly like me to achieve it. and yes i have never failed him. when i was 4 yrs old and we were on our way back to bishan from ghim moh (i used to stay in bishan but stayed with my grandma during weekdays), i remembered that fateful day we passed by this building at bishan in the taxi. i asked my dad wat it was. he told me it was the best sch in singapore and if i studied well enough i would do him proud and get in. this was etched in my mind somehow and 9yrs later i delivered it, even rejecting HCI tho it was my mum's alma mater.

istana, sia scholarship etc. i've done it all. i've succeeded everywhere. why does it now seem so difficult in the army? it just seems like another ball game altogether. really. i hope that i can really rise up to the challenge and still deliver this time. i really hope so. because the word "QUIT" has been burning in my mind since forever.

the sword. the fateful sword. dad, i cant let you down. i cant. i must not. i know how painful it was for you to OOC so near commissioning. ur hopes have been pinned on me all the way. i must do you proud. i must. i must stay strong.

"i dedicate my life to Singapore" . indeed... sacrifice man. how i wish i had someone to hug rite now. only got but my bolster...

thanks dad and mum for all the sacrifices you've made. all the times you've stood by me and continuing standing by me all this while. i'm sorry i cant even be home during Mother's Day, instead being out at Tekong section field camp...

ps: my dad went all the way to army market just to get me black string for my map... super touched. super touched.

i swear i'm going to go crazy soon. but nobody knows. everyone thinks i'm fine. but i don't think i am. i'm just living in this world of constant fear, constant depression, constant unhappiness.

i looked forward for 3 weeks for this bookout. i wanted to go to the movies and shopping and chill out with frens and feel back in touch with my life. i realised i have no life. i have spent 2 out of my 3 days stoning at home. nobody's free to go out. nobody. even have to have lunch alone today. save last night. tt was the rose amongst the thorns.

every single week in ocs i tear. every week. without fail. nobody knows. maybe nobody cares.

this poor soul out here needs some love. but he's getting none.

nobody knows.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!