ferrariyq

its here. with a "bonus" of the fact that i'm cadet wing commander. my heart's at my throat now. i havent studied for my exercises. please dont choose me again. i've alr had 2 mths of appts. platoon commander 3 weeks then exercise platoon sergeant for white horse last week. and when i thought i could finally have a bit of chance to chill.. cadet wing commander. i could nvr sail through life eh. always put to the test, always had to earn things the hard way. nvr had it easy. i'm not even up in thailand yet but i'm alr feeling really tired. i really need God's assurance, God's comfort, God's hand upon me. no matter wat happens, i'll try my best. i'll do my best. nothing but the best.

6 more weeks to commissioning.

je voudrais écrire en français. je ne l'ai pas fait depuis longtemps... la france me manque. beaucoup. elle signifie un des plus belles 2 semaines que j'ai  jamais passé. elle signifie mes 3 meilleurs amis. elle signifie l'amour. elle signifie la cuisine. elle signifie tout. elle signifie la vie dont j'ai envie. peut-être que je suis complètement épuisé, peut-être que je suis perdu, peut-être que j'ai besoin d'échapper à tout ca. je sais pas. c'est l'armé. j'ai perdu tout contact avec le monde. bcp de mes amis. je sais plus ce qui se passe dans leurs vies. je comprends rien non plus de ce qui se passe dans le monde. oui d'être officier c'est assez prestigieux. mais c'est une farce. ne sois pas trompé du prestige. jamais. c'est nul. j'ai découvert que je n'ai pas un but pour ma vie. j'ai pas vraiment une passion. je fais tout qui sont prestigieux; je veux etre le meilleur. mais pour quoi faire? je l'aime faire? non. mais cela me fournit qch a faire. qch dont je peux m'occuper. mais ca c'est tout. rien de plus. pour conclure, le seul but de ma vie c'est d'atteindre de plus en plus de gloire? c'est fou ca!

sigh tu me manques. beaucoup. je regrette de ne pas avoir t'apprecie suffisament quand t'etais a singapour. oui nous avions nos propres vies, nos propres amis. mais t'etais toujours la. nous avons passe bcp de temps ensemble en faisant des batises, le n'importe quoi. sigh mais je t'ai considere comme allant de moi. maintenant  t'es deja partie. et je ne suis pas en mesure de te rencontrer. hahaa je doute que je te manques tellement. t'as bcp d'amis et t'aime la vie libre. t'es independente... le tour eiffel, le pont traversant la seine, les cafes, les crepes... j'ai bcp envie d'y voler a ce moment pour t'accompagner. mais non, il faut attendre. c'est le destin, ne c'est pas? ma vie c'est une blague. une blague pleine de malheur.

i wonder why everyone around me's so stressed and tired and sad... like... i dunno... maybe army's taught me stuff. like dont think too much and just move ahead. need to stay optimistic. if not, the pressures of life will just kill... everyday's a challenge i guess... bleagh. tired. hahhaa but happy!

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i guess everyone needs to feel wanted in life, to feel loved in life. to know that whenever he or she's feeling slightly down, slightly moody, there'll be that someone or those few ppl who can brighten up the day just thru an sms, or by being there. shauna's right. we hang out with so many ppl, have so many frens. but when we need that somebody to really be that listening ear everytime we need to whine, to lament, we look around, and we find noone. its sad. its a lonely path to take.

did i mention i dont really like having dreams? bad dreams make me feel irked when i wake up. good dreams are worse. they disappoint me badly. those beautiful dreams of mine i momentarily think are true just go "poof" when i wake up. disappears. turns into dust. that's the real pain. tt's why i've stopped greeting ppl "sweet dreams". makes no sense...

off i am to that dreaded place again. 11 weeks left. but 1yr 2mths more.

oh somebody save me.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i guess everyone needs to feel wanted in life, to feel loved in life. to know that whenever he or she's feeling slightly down, slightly moody, there'll be that someone or those few ppl who can brighten up the day just thru an sms, or by being there. shauna's right. we hang out with so many ppl, have so many frens. but when we need that somebody to really be that listening ear everytime we need to whine, to lament, we look around, and we find noone. its sad. its a lonely path to take.

did i mention i dont really like having dreams? bad dreams make me feel irked when i wake up. good dreams are worse. they disappoint me badly. those beautiful dreams of mine i momentarily think are true just go "poof" when i wake up. disappears. turns into dust. that's the real pain. tt's why i've stopped greeting ppl "sweet dreams". makes no sense...

off i am to that dreaded place again. 11 weeks left. but 1yr 2mths more.

oh somebody save me.

yet another morning when i wake up asking myself "what the heck am i doing in ocs torturing myself for when i could have been leading an easier life somewhere else in the army..." i havent had proper sleep in 5weeks. and the worst is yet to come since this week is SOC test week, operationally ready week, exercise week.

as my dad massaged my ("weather/obstacle beaten") legs, the pain originating from my heels shot through the legs. i couldnt help but scream in pain. it was unbearable...

makes it sound a bit like combat E. honestly i find it much tougher here than in delta. its a totally different world with a culture that i dont really understand (not my fellow course mates, but the culture of combat E). or maybe delta really is too professional. (not puttin down combat E). there's so much mind-f___ing (i just cant find a more apt expression other than wat, stress inducing brain-juice-squeezing) around here without reason. as in yes we can infer the "higher intent" of all the things around here but isnt there another nicer and better way of doing things? i'm used to not having much admin time. dont need that much anyway i guess. no 7hrs of sleep oso can understand cos engineers are supposed to work through the night. and yes having a stores-turn out (thousands of boxes of mines and pickets and other heavy items. no wonder the engineer officers passing out all look so buff) for 7hrs (in and out twice) cos we need to know everything in our stores and be accountable for them. and appt holders in pumping position for at 30minutes at one go cos they didnt perform their job properly too. all about being operational. and the weekends. totally gone. what weekend? so much of our book out is spent preparing for the following week's events. the pile of tests to study, the pile of things to buy and prepare, the guard duties etc. "i dedicate my life to Singapore".

all justified rite? yes. could there be a better way to do it? perhaps. whatever the case, many of us are just so pissed off, short fused, tired, stressed, sian. what's worse, some of the ppl i know think of combat E as a slack, no pride job that gives us nothing but just another blue beret signifying Support Arms.

army really has this ability to shag me out so much that i totally lose control of myself. lose control in e sense that whenever i can i really prefer not to think and let things flow by itself. when things dont go well i whine i get frustrated, when things go well i'm thankful. but in a sense i really am beginning to not take onus of my own life even. just letting it flow. let myself do whatever my heart leads me to. which may not be good cos it seems to be a "backsliding" thing. and this comes a time when the army is really instilling the "image" thing. officers must be perfect in bearing discpline etc etc. ohwell...

miss playing the bagpipe all of a sudden. was watching last year's RI BB open medley ( http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=1185292599282&ref=nf ). simply orgasmic. ya i havent touched the pipe since the pipe competition in 07, but i really miss the good ld times. ben khoo does too hahaa. i guess yes if i really touch my heart, the reason why i decided to stay back in RI BB in JC and choose it as my only cca (which a lot thought was a stupid choice) was really to be with the group of brudders i have in BB. the bond there is absolutely one-of-a-kind. its irreplacable. and i miss it. just like how i miss the times back in RJC. chingay... bittersweet experience luh hur. hahaha...

i guess its quite obvious i'm not very happy now. tho yes i'm trying my best to relish every single experience that i can have and obtain here. its true that i learn a lot in combat E. construction work, planning and management etc etc. but everything outta this place seems to be much greener, much happier. school was a bliss. so carefree.


i realise i'm blogging so much more now cos there're really a lot of thoughts, reflections and all going thru my head through this phase of life which i dont wanna forget. thoughts regarding army are in my journal (that needs to be submitted weekly to my instructors), personal thoughts penned down here.

better get back to work. lots of things to settle!  (sighz)

there they were again, at the back of the bus, with her head resting on his shoulder. she was blissfully asleep. he felt the warmth and the comfort. slowly, he whispered in her ear "i love you".... she woke up, looked at him dreamily and smittenly, and replied "i love you too'. his heart melted. his whole body turned warm. he was on cloud 9.

and then he woke up. he was in his room. for a moment he thought it was true, but the dream slowly faded away, and so did the feelings... how fate had played him out to leave nothing, but memories...

"spend all your life waiting for that 2nd chance, for a break that would make it occur..."

hahaha as usual there'rve been so many things i wanted to blog about, but whenever i come to the blog... i just get stuck. like sian tired dont wanna blog about thing. ohwell not all stuff's worth mentioning anyway...

block leave was super shiok. but it has done bad to me. tho i know i'm alr used to army life, I JUST DONT WANNA BOOK IN AGAIN... its how sian please. like lin chen and i used to sing "dedi dedi gotta lack of dedication. moti moti gotta lack of motivation"... last week when i visited RJC, it felt like home again. like HOMEEEEE... just now when filling in my uni app forms, esp cambridge one, i had to write "physics, studied newtonian physics etc..." then wah lauu memories of see guan pin and "are you happy students?", lim boon siong and his positive energy negative energy until he knelt down and went "wah damn chuan" came flooding my mind. memories of how school used to be sian but fun (complaining with classmates) and how we went to canteen to chill or j8 or just go home after french (SJ Heidi Shauna etc)... freak. beautiful. oh btw there was class bbq today. din go. luckily i din cos suddenly i have to book in tonight instead of tml morn. kena sai. supposed to be tml morn 7am. suddenly today. at first say 8.30 with the rest. luckily now 10pm. but one less night at home... =( i still cant emphasize enuff how much i miss rjc. the teachers, my frens, the fun we had, the freedom (ah yes the freedom)... here its biah biah biah all the way, regimentation, etc... ppl say "wah getting old alr. i wish i can stay at 19 forever". i say "wah getting old alr. i wish i can stay at 18 forever (jc times. not army times)"...

but i must say this block leave was meaningful enough in terms of spending time with frens. met up with ppl i havent met up in a long time like keanie hil rachel (over guitar heroes on my bdae), zijian (over dinner and supper and a lot of talk cock and yes erm.. crude stuff), sian ying (over lunch at coffee bean, which gave me extra $10 voucher that i havent spent), as well as jean!

oh i had one of the best nights in my life at jean's house! (ok it sounded wrong. let me explain). pris and i were at her house to do some baking. then jean and pris wanted me to look at some youtube video. but we ended up being tired and a bit sian so we ended up at the rooftop garden just outside jean's bedroom. and we talked and talked and it was so wonderful cos her rooftop garden's so beautiful! its like those dream house kind please... at night even nicer, with the lights and the calmness and all... so we bought zichar (at first we wanted to go marine parade for dinner) and bubble tea and just nua at her rooftop garden and chatted... awwww... i'm gonna buy a house like this one day man! its a MUST. i can even give up buying a more ex car for a cheaper one for this! (that's e first time my frens'd hear me saying sth like this!)

oh and i spent countless hours with sj and heidi haha! ppl say i lightbulb... erm.. ok la hor? =D fun luh, just talking n'importe quoi over long walks from esplanade to heidi's hse or over dinner at newton etc... good food with good frens!

haiz... civilian life... admire those ppl who disrupt man... gotta slog it out for another 4.5mths to commissioning. well i've come so far, ain't gonna give up now. just dragging my boots along (literally). must be the new environment again luh... ahhaha i miss delta too! sgt major and lt martin and lt sharril esp! life was fun toward the end, tho life was damn tough...

ok dinner and book in le! CONTINUE COUNTDOWN. 17weeks down 21 to go!

the friggin' worst thing u can do to an army guy is to make him rot at home during his block leave. esp after he's been rotting for 2 days alr. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

bleagh everytime i actl get down to wanting to post my entries i run out of stuff to say. there're so many tots that i wanna pen down... army's done a lot to my state of mind. i think it has really lured out the devil in me. i think i'm really the kind who doesnt like to make decisions. i somehow always hope that things will sort themselves out without me doing anything and turn into the pareto optimal outcome for me. but as capt xie has said b4 "not making any decision is a decision in itself". so many weekends and meetings have been screwed up because i've been too lazy/ tired to think properly before asking ppl out. either i dun ask and hope somehow they'll be free, or i ask and then i realise i may wanna sleep because i really am too shagged out and i just hope somehow i'll be able to make it in time. no deal man. in the army, and in life, for things to work, u gotta work the hard way.

somehow i wish there'll be more time for me to do wat i want, and to meet the ppl i want. officership is not easy. its just been 14 weeks and there's another 24 to go. ppl tell me "wah time passes v fast wat!" im like yea wait till u get into e army when every hour even can be a chore. (surprisingly for me scorpion king went by fast. i actl kinda enjoyed it) of cos the weekends fly by. book out, b4 i know it its e nxt day. have some fun with 1 or 2 frens and b4 i know it dammit sunday night alr. and in comes another week of crap. of needing to put in my best. the short weekends have left me to really "autopilot" them. meet up with whoever i can meet and chill out (usually end up just eating, walking around, chatting). i also end up just doing wateva i feel like doing, letting my gut feeling take the lead. feel like eating this and i'll go, no matter how ex. no plan no nothing. just whack. thus the past 6 mths have left me feeling quite empty. like aimless and pointless. havent been doing something meaningful, like continuing playing e piano (no time luh) or tennis or sth. ppl ask me wat's my life about, and i can only bluntly reply "army". nothing else. ok a few movies here and there, how good the food at kushinbo is, how much i enjoyed underwater world. but that's about it. sheesh. also ending up just meeting a few frens so i seem to have lost a lot of frens. seem to be sinking further further into reclusion, with e ppl who understand me better only able to lend a listening ear without really understanding wat i'm going thru (close girl frens wat to do). thus sometimes i really feel so alone and so... yea. bleagh.

and when i really am starting to enjoy delta and love it for the ppl and the instructors, i gotta leave. not to signals, but to combat E. i'm really dragging my boots to go to brunei. ok i really dont mind navi, but in FBO. all the force prep again, the inspections, the declarations, the sleeping in mud and darkness, getting wet and smelly and dirty and smelling of ammonia. lta martin and lta sharril both commented that i was a good soldier. i dunno how man. ok its a complement, but... hell i hate the jungle. its just not something i'll do man. now i gotta move to and get used to yet another new stinking environment. hopefully its good. the sword isnt easy to attain man. it hell isnt. nothing in my life ever came close to being so difficult to attain. 7As, Pres Award, NYAA Gold, even trying (in vain) to get the girl i loved to love me wasnt that difficult man. i better darned get the sword. still failing SOC and IPPT silver. kena sai. i dun wanna fail my dad at the last moment.

i need to overcome my mental barrier man. somehow in the army (more like in OCS) my brain has started to have the "ayah just give up or just strive to complete it" mentality. this is bad. my whole life i've been striving to give my best and nth but my best in wtv i do. my frens all know that. i work hard i play hard. but coming here, there've been so many a times i've been close to falling out, or i just cant seem to push my best. when ppl's IPPT timings improved, mine deproved. when i used to overtake ppl and run ahead of ppl, they now run ahead of me. ohwell... 

P.S: ppl please dont think i'm some emo depressed guy. i nvr blog when i'm happy. somehow. i only blog when i'm pensive or sian or frustrated. so wat u read is just this one part of me hahaa.

i couldnt even laugh at the funny parts of night at the museum 2 when the rest of the cinema was roaring in laughter...

losing my way... keep losing my way... can you help me find my way?

there's actl so much so much i wanna post about army; my thoughts my emotions. i know that reading them will open the floodgates of memories that are so real i will literally be able to feel them. but... just no drive? no inspiration? and anyway the memories are sometimes so bad i just dont wanna remember them. just like how my mum keeps telling me to take fotos along my way to OCS and i'll be able to tell stories next time. i'm like "nah..." (my dad'll just chip in and say "even smelling lalang now haunts me la!")

3 extras. all cos of a stupid mistake in 1sec. and thanks to chao geng ppl i gotta serve them when i didnt have to. (if this were in e army the end of the previous sentence would have been punctuated with a vulgarity.) life sux sometimes. i was so furious last night i... well i din wanna do anything but OOC came into my mind. again.

i've kinda like lacked motivation in ocs. throughout. yea man it was easier to get here than to stay in. its been 12 weeks alr. 2.5 more weeks to end of service term le. and maybe i'll get posted out to signals? but why does even that seem so long? the start of pro term wont even mark the halfway mark. 6months 1 week more to commissioning. its kinda crazy man. i find it so tough to motivate myself to carry on. yes i'm still surviving (not thriving) but wat the heck seriously. the only only motivation i have now is that i wanna deliver the sword to my dad. i know he would dearly like me to achieve it. and yes i have never failed him. when i was 4 yrs old and we were on our way back to bishan from ghim moh (i used to stay in bishan but stayed with my grandma during weekdays), i remembered that fateful day we passed by this building at bishan in the taxi. i asked my dad wat it was. he told me it was the best sch in singapore and if i studied well enough i would do him proud and get in. this was etched in my mind somehow and 9yrs later i delivered it, even rejecting HCI tho it was my mum's alma mater.

istana, sia scholarship etc. i've done it all. i've succeeded everywhere. why does it now seem so difficult in the army? it just seems like another ball game altogether. really. i hope that i can really rise up to the challenge and still deliver this time. i really hope so. because the word "QUIT" has been burning in my mind since forever.

the sword. the fateful sword. dad, i cant let you down. i cant. i must not. i know how painful it was for you to OOC so near commissioning. ur hopes have been pinned on me all the way. i must do you proud. i must. i must stay strong.

"i dedicate my life to Singapore" . indeed... sacrifice man. how i wish i had someone to hug rite now. only got but my bolster...

thanks dad and mum for all the sacrifices you've made. all the times you've stood by me and continuing standing by me all this while. i'm sorry i cant even be home during Mother's Day, instead being out at Tekong section field camp...

ps: my dad went all the way to army market just to get me black string for my map... super touched. super touched.

i swear i'm going to go crazy soon. but nobody knows. everyone thinks i'm fine. but i don't think i am. i'm just living in this world of constant fear, constant depression, constant unhappiness.

i looked forward for 3 weeks for this bookout. i wanted to go to the movies and shopping and chill out with frens and feel back in touch with my life. i realised i have no life. i have spent 2 out of my 3 days stoning at home. nobody's free to go out. nobody. even have to have lunch alone today. save last night. tt was the rose amongst the thorns.

every single week in ocs i tear. every week. without fail. nobody knows. maybe nobody cares.

this poor soul out here needs some love. but he's getting none.

nobody knows.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is one of the most boring weekends of my army life. (ok it hasnt been a lot of weekends). absolutely nothing to do at home, unless i shd start doing my personal statement etc and prepare UCAS stuff... which is wat the heck. ok i may do it. =S who the heck spends his precious weekends stoning at home raise your hand. *raises my hand*

i'm honestly quite scared of SOC, and a bit apprehensive about my IPPT... bleagh. i still can't clear low rope. tried and tried but just couldn't do it. then ppl can do it in 3min+ i do it in 6min (for the 400m rundown only). sux sux sux. and i whacked the rifle on my shin falling off the swing bridge. so its raw and stinging now. grrr. i need practice! but i cant get any. 1 more last practice b4 the full test. BMT fail SOC nvm. go command sch, esp OCS, fail SOC and straightaway out of course. no questions asked. tt's why i'm worried! and there's IPPT. dunno if i can do a 9min 44sec for 2.4. and can i jump a 234cm for SBJ and 10.1 for shuttle run. esp shuttle run. damnz. i NEED my IPPT Gold. sigh

yupp everyone's right. i put a lot of pressure on myself. i wanna make e best of my 2 yrs of army life, experience and learn all tt army can give and teach. i really need to trust God to tide me thru army, just as He pushed me thru my 12km route march, which i really very nearly dropped out.

la la la...

i know i've really got not much time on my hands. its been one month of enlistment and this is only my 2nd bookout. and this bookout only lasts for 23hrs (last night 7pm to today 6pm). but i guess this post is still v v impt. really impt to thank God for tiding me thru this 1 month that i've been in army.

its not as easy as i would have imagined. sure the commanders arent that hiong on us, but the training's been quite tough. with what happened on the 5th jan, i was really worried that i may go berserk in army and just screw it up. God gave me peace and the strength to continue on. yes i may be slightly underperforming in army according to my PC's standards cos he expects a lot out of a BB Boy, esp one who's a President's Man, but i think i'm tiding through well. Thanks to God's watchful hand over me. since then, i've handled my duties as a platoon ic very well. everything went smoothly with no hiccup. in addition, for SITEST, although i was very very shagged, God gave me the strength to perform as an ic and to coorporate as a team member, and to have a lot of time bonding with my platoon mates over the humongous amounts of free time given to us.

furthermore, God has been really kind to me. He put me in a welfare company and into a platoon where i have Geoff (we used to be best of frens, and thus we're quite close now). my PC is a true blue BB Boy, so i have a sorta mentor to look up to. my rifle was stunned TWICE. not once but TWICE. and till now i have never gotten a single confinement. its a miracle. it really is. this bookout that i had (sry i'm continuing my post cos my 23hr bookout wasnt enuff for me to write a good post), out of 160 ppl in e coy, only 54 booked out on friday. thank God. really.

anyway, reflections for army.

i think one thing army has done is to make me a more independent person, more responsible for my actions. i now know how to wash my clothes, wash the toilet cos i'm the toilet IC (trust me, i came home and for e first time in my life found my home toilet dirty). when not even my parents are around, and when i'm outfield and i have nothing, and when every lil thing is put under my care (rifle etc down to the mini rifle cleaning kit equipment) and losing anything results in punishment, i really have to be very vigilant and independent. i can alr start to see army change me a lil bit, and envision how army will continue to transform me should i get into command school. 

my hell weeks are actl over. and i can actl split them into phases between my bookouts.

confinement week: (3weeks 2 weekends) i was really blur here. trying to grapple with things here. being from rjc and being able to study well doesnt help in army. i really had to be street smart. luckily i wasnt struggling bad. but i found army a bit harder than i expected. i guess i just didnt have enuff sleep and wasnt pushing my 100%. sometimes i tried my best to get everything in shape, like packing up everything properly and ensuring i had the items needed for training ahead of time, but i'll screw up somewhere which i tot didnt need the attention/ overlooked (such as not camo-ing off properly). i also somehow kept missing out on instructions, so i kept screwing up (luckily they were the minor ones).

i tot the rifle'll be cool to have, but the moment the coolness wore off, the stupid rifle was a chore luh. the rifle ceremony was nice, held at the beach area early in e morning. but after that... gotta lug it everywhere and its heavy and if any part got lost i'll be dead. the first day i got the rifle, there was alr a scare. the firing pin got stuck inside the lower receiver group (where the trigger is) and i tot i lost it, which i knew was impossible. losing e firing pin = Detention Barracks straight away. stupid guy using e gun b4 me didnt oil e gun properly... 

and i kena fever on the 2nd week, when a lot of impt stuff came out. that was a very depressing period. i wanted to at least pass my IPPT categorization test but no, 38.3deg. sent to MO (Medical officer at medical centre). had to take 6 panadols and cough medicine, all of which induced drowsiness, so i was practically feeling lathargic the whole day. and i had to sit out of the 4km route march, which made all my route march trainings snowball (ppl do 6km i do 4km ppl do 8 i do 6km). also sat out for first SOC lesson. ppl do the obstacles i dig sand to make it soft for em. wah lau. it was bad. was so happy to be out of status luh.

range was e first absolute major event. shooting at night is super lovely. the tekong night sky rocks and its just cool! but i was v sad not to get full marks, cos my rifle had a zeroing error which i forgot about. so there was one which i aimed on target and the bullet missed. sad... but nvm luh, still marksman! 

2nd week, post CNY: this was really hell week. i did 6km route march, field camp, 8km route march, IPPT, 12km route march and SITEST all in 2 weeks, followed by a meagre 23hr bookout. geez! 

field camp was an awesome experience now that i look back at it. wearing sweat and mud soaked cold smelly and dirty uniform early in e morning, i'd have difficulty crawling out of the tent. everyday was a case of being scared that my rifle'll get stunned. it all started with a 6km route march (8km for the rest) and then pitching tents. that was enuff to kill cos the march was with full load up and down rocky terrain. we'll try to chao geng during various outfield lessons in sections, where our section commander (sect comm) will go with us to ROC (relack one corner). 

the highlights of my field camp were:

1) rifle kena stunned, BUT NO CONFINEMENT! rationale: my fren and i were seated at the 2 openings of the tent. i was eating my medicine. e platoon sergeant spider crawled in thru some tiny hole in the tent. wah lauu... ok its not a v good reason maybe, but thank God!

2) digging shellscrape: that GARGH thing! its just knee deep and looks is our literal coffin, but it took so long to dig. really drained e energy outta me. had to dig in Standard Battle Order (SBO) with helmet, load bearin vest (LBV) and rifle somemore. really han4 liu2 jia2 bei4 man. and it was done on e day of chingay. wah lauu... and had to sleep in it that night. siao la i couldnt sleep properly, scared got centipede or spider come and bite me. grrrr... was so happy that i could cover up the shellscrape the next night!

3) outfield starbucks: ie take coffee powder sachet, shake, pour powder into mouth, swallow, drink water. voila!

4) leopard crawling and high kneeling. wah sei... can kill sia... gotta high kneel everywhere, kena made to leopard crawl everywhere. oh and must be tactical in e jungle. irritating sia. when there's a vehicle passing by gotta take cover. anywhere. even if there's an ants' nest there. happened to me. and centipede crawling in front of me too. wah lauu...

then i had my 8km route march, 20 rounds around the track. it was more sian than tiring! but it was good cos the ground absorbed impact hahaaa.

then IPPT diagnostic. grrrrrrrr i missed gold by 40sec for 2.4. but i'm on the leadership board for chin ups and sit ups! training hard on my run now cos i believe confirm can get gold one! must get!

12km route march. wah this one hurt. really bad. by 2km my shoulders were dying cos i overstrained my arms or sth (that morning had strength training). 10km of excruciating pain. every step i took would be hell. honestly i nearly gave up. it was so tough. but this is when God spoke to me again. i sang worship songs, and He took away my pain, and reminded me of how Jesus walked this with not a field pack on His back, but a wooden cross on which He was nailed to. and that kept me going and going. and i completed the 12km. thank God. thank God.

SITEST: fun sia. ok 1st day stress. got ppl wayang oso, but when u see that they can do nothing u're no longer scared loL! a lot of free time that we used to catch up and just talk a lot of stuff la. outfield's beautiful when guys can gather kampung style outside the tents and just have a good time chatting. =D

23hr bookout...

then this week. more physical training alr hahaha. grenade throw this coming week. oh pray for my arms pleaseee. they're overstrained. a bit scared of SOC now cos low ropes keeps screwing up my arms. scared they die again. trying to rest them now... ><

POP 10th march! less than a month YES YES YES! =D




 

 3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.  - James 3:3-6

Discipline (according to the army): doing what you have to do or saying what you have to say, and not doing what you shouldn't do and not saying what you shouldn't say even when the going gets really tough

i guess i really lacked discipline then. but what's the point of reflecting so much? just fills me with regret.

well at least God spoke through me through devotions and lectures in e army. 1st devotion 1st lecture only and i've been set thinking. its been a year. shall i move on? the scar will remain. the bird has wrenched itself free of the cage.

you dunno how much you mean to me. but its over. its too late.

gone serving the army. till cny period. byebye.

fighting back the bouts of tears as i read the letter, i guess i can finally let them flow now. no words can describe how happy and touched i was just to see u smile. it was a difficult goodbye, but we held strong. but the letter, oh the letter. it just blew me into tears... i dunno. i dun even know why i'm tearing.

u're the most beautiful person i've ever seen in my life. a true blessing. Thank you.

I was singing the song just now, but i didnt know the lyrics. now i do:

'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy